dilema

saya: em..tak tau nak sambung jadi cikgu ke tak..
dia1: apa?? takkan dah menyerah kot!
dia2: habis tu.. kalau semua orang pun macam awak. sapa nak didik anak bangsa kita?

saya: hmm.. (kes tak faham saya la ni..)

***
rewind

Hari-hari akhirku di sekolah

Scene 1: tapak perhimpunan

Cikgu1: So, how do you find teaching?
saya: hoho..it's really tough!
Cikgu1: So what's your plan after this? Are you going to be a teacher?
saya: hm..maybe.
Cikgu1: I think you should further your study. At this age, I even would advise my daughter to further study. Then, you can think about getting a better job or be a teacher. Look at this school, students these days are not like the ones I met when I was first posted. It's a drastic change.
saya: (oho.. ni mesti kesian kat aku sebab muda-muda terpakse pening kepala dengan hal budak-budak ni..) em, my father did suggests me to further my studies. But I haven't made up my mind. bla..bla..

Scene 2: Kantin

Cikgu 2: So, lepas ni macam mana?
Saya: (smiling) hm..tak tahu lagi
Cikgu 2: Huhu..saya sekarang ni tengah buat countdown. Tak sabar nak habiskan lagi berapa tahun dan pencen. Budak-budak sekarang macam-macam hal. Tak larat kita dibuatnya. Kalau 10 tahun dulu..tak macam ni. memang berbeza!
Saya: Ohh..

***

ok.
that's my dilemma.
to go further my study or continue to be a teacher.

bukan nda mau jadi cikgu!
mau..even I know how much teachers can influence the students.
bukan juga mahu lari dari masalah pelajar yang bermacam masalah.
bukan!!

but I'm try to think of better solutions to the students' problems.
If I become a teacher, how many students would be influenced by me?
rather than I go, further my study..
made my research on their problems and try find other ways to solve it.

I am all heads and hands (apakah?) to make a change for the world.
I do want to help them, but I have to think of efficiency.

When I was a teacher in the past months.
I have faced trouble in handling the students.
Some of them is caused by how they tend to look at me
not more just a sister or someone their age.
It's hard.

When I tried to say something,
they tried to make fun of me
as if to drag my attention to them
(well, of course I'm talking about the boys).
and how about to those who fell for their own teachers?
ok. we are talking about teenagers and their raging hormones here.
just imagine,
a sixteen year-old came to you and said how much you look like a seventeen year-old to him.
creeepy.

So, at the moment.. I think that.. I should most likely be a teacher when I am older.
at least, I should look like their own mothers... just to get the respect.
heh.

But then,
I don't really know what to do.
I'm indeed bounded by scholarship.
So, it seems like I have to continue being a teacher.
or else, God has better plans for me.
and of course what he plans are always the best.

God knows
if He wanted me to be a teacher for a lifetime.
than it is because that He knows that I'm best in that way.
if He made me to further my study
than indeed He knows better that I can make a change with that.
He knows the goods and the bads.
He knows my strengths and weaknesses.
So, what will be a better solution
than getting the solution from God himself!

Ok.
start istikharah, girl!
^___^